[BLUE'S CORNER]: making the best out of being a reader and a writer

 

I don't know when it all started, but before I knew it, I was noticing how I was and has been exhibiting symptoms of social anxiety. I say exhibiting symptoms because I can't say that I actually have one. They always say to never self-diagnose and so I don't. But I can't deny the obvious symptoms. They're already there. Besides, I did hear that anyone can have the symptoms and they're not limited to those who have social anxiety. I guess what's left now is a diagnosis. 

But going away to the topic of my mental diagnosis, or the lack thereof, I would like to share in this entry how I've been coping. There are these new realizations that I have had as I grew out of being a stuck-up hopeless teenager and into a not so stuck up but not yet hopeful young adult. 

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A READER.

There's nothing wrong with being a reader. According to various studies it is a pretty good trait for a person to be. I might be acting like a bad researcher by not citing those studies I'm talking about, but you get the idea. Reading is a good habit, and I am glad I am one. 

But recently I found out that I've been relying on it too much. I don't know if it's bad, what I do know is that there's something not quite right. When you feel like you always want to be the observer in a story or maybe just one of the characters at the mercy of the novelist where you don't have to worry about making decisions, I think there's something wrong. Or maybe that's normal! I don't know. But there's more to me than just this. 

I LOVE STORIES.

Going by the track of reading, I soon realized that my love for it solely stems from my interest in stories. Eventually I came to seek them out beyond books which lead me to films, comics, manga, podcasts and many other forms of media that involves some storytelling element. That's one of my reasons to play certain games as well, why I often play otome and visual novels and the like. 

My interest in stories drew out my lack of interest in making something of my own in the real world. It was always easier to stay as an audience and never part of the cast, so I was always thinking, why bother? I don't have to be the main character when there's obviously people who already decided they will take that role for themselves. I'm fine in the sidelines. I don't have to make a story arc and make routes like those MCs in otome games. I don't have to choose which lines to say. I would, instead, not say any lines at all. 

But of course, real life doesn't work that way. We're always a part of the cast and our roles are always changing. No one is exactly a mob character forever. In fact, I don't think anyone can be a mob character in their own life. (Or maybe that's just how I see it now.)

IN THE END, I WAS LURED INTO BEING A WRITER. 

There's something about stories and books that when you're getting really into them you start wanting to make something of your own. That especially when you don't get the ending you want from a story, or you don't have enough of the bits and pieces that happened within the story because the author did not reveal them to you. Those thoughts came to me a little later, specifically the thought of fanfics. 

What came to me at the middle of my reading journey however was the urge to make my own characters move the way I want them to. I want make this whole new world for every fictional entity that lurked in my brain and somehow stayed there to bother me with their chaotic life. I say chaotic because every piece of their narratives scattered. I guess it was my job to make their ramblings make sense. (Unfortunately, I had my own ramblings, so it made hard for me to make time and jot down the the ideas that should've been plotted as a part of a book or short story. I am still struggling with this through this day.)

BUt yes, to cut things short I became a wannabe writer, through various attempts of failure of course. I tried once as an elementary student but then I was so frustrated at the fact that I couldn't get the right words out that I tore my paper and threw it out. High school attempts were more fruitful. It also helped that I was beginning to read more complicated books than before. 

SO HERE I GO TRYING TO COME CONVEY THIS CONCLUSION

I am a reader. I am also a writer. If I didn't like being the main character and making decisions on my own, then what if I treat myself as a separate character and make choices as if I'm writing and plotting out this story on my laptop? Does that make sense or am I going way overboard with crazy?

I don't know. Recently I felt more loose and less anxious because I have detached myself from my decisions. Not detached as in I don't really care what happens anymore, but more on the sense that I'm thinking in a more outward view than just focusing on what's in front of me. That has always been a struggle for me, trying to get off the loop of self-hatred and the baseless idea that I will always make the wrong decisions. It's the anxiety and fear like every time. 

But with an outward view, like looking over a set of a play instead of being inside of one of the characters, I'd be more aware of what's happening around me instead of just inside me. Again, does that make sense?

I just want to be braver and do the things I have always wanted without being anxious. (In fact, that's what I always do with the characters that I wrote. I always write them into situations where they would do the things I would've if I wasn't crippled by anxiety.)

And now here I am, slightly a changed version of what I was before... Hopefully for the better. 

_________________________ Thank you for reading ^^

featured picture doodled by yours truly

[BLUE'S CORNER]: me and the topic of productivity

 

I haven't written anything personal for the last few months. This entry is even the first for this year, 2024. So many things have changed in contrast with 2023 and I could go on and on with those said changes and maybe I won't be able to finish. So I'm not going to talk about it (for now).  

I have been reading and watching a bunch of books and films these days but I haven't found anything that has struck me like those stories I have already added to this blog. I might get another one of those soon, hopefully soon, so I can have this blog up and running again. 

In compensation, I would like to continue making more entries for my rambles. This is my personal space so I think I'm free to spill my guts here. As sanitary as possible, of course. Don't worry. I'm not gonna tell anything that specific. I'm not that brave. 

For now, here's the topic: PRODUCTIVITY. 

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH PRODUCTIVITY. 

In the past, I haven't been that particular about what I can make and what I can contribute with the time that I have in my hands. I was simply doing what was asked of me and that's it. The rest, I do what I want. 

But there's something about growing up that makes you realize you don't exactly have all the time in the world. That realization makes you want to act as if it's a rule you have to follow. By the time I found a skill I could hone and polish, I was trying to do that almost every day. 

That was most of the pandemic time. I can say I'm proud of the writing I have accomplished during those months. I even completed two novels! A number of my achievements that I always try to remind myself cause sometimes I forget. 

Sometimes it slips our mind that we have already gone far because we feel like it's not far enough. Should probably pat myself on the back and look back on my journey once in a while. 

Now, during those times, I've already known the love-hate relationship that I had with productivity. Some days I write one passage, and sometimes I can write a lot. Until I couldn't write anymore. 

I think when school came, I and my self-proclaimed image of productivity broke up. 

It was more of me being cruel to myself, I realize that now, but it's hard to convince yourself when you're in that moment when you can't seem to reach it—productivity. 




MY SCULPTED IMAGE OF PRODUCTIVITY.

It's stupid. I can't be up and running all the time. I know that. But my head doesn't comprehend. 

I often consider productivity as a drug. Gets you high till it wears off so you try to reach for it every time, but your body can't really take much of it and so you wallow in despair because you can't have it. (Way to make it sound so poetic, dear self.)




WHAT OTHERS SEE FROM BEYOND THE TINTED GLASS.

I once found it baffling every time people tell me how diligent I am for I don't think that's it. I postpone a lot of projects, I ditch a lot of started ideas and I forget about what I should be doing because of impulsiveness. That's all beyond the barrier of the screen however so I guess it makes sense. 

I do not think I am a productive person. I consider myself to be lazy albeit stressed out. Sometimes I feel like a fraud because of it. How do I keep up this image that other people have made for me?

The answer is simple. I probably shouldn't. (Brain said forget that answer, let's search and ask again. She's stupid.) 

NOW, WE COMPROMISE.

I started journaling again. I started last year. I ditched journalling after grade 10 because writing about my day every day became such a pain. Now, I do it more for the fact that I want to feel like I have done something. I write every little thing, from buying stuff at the mall to going home alone after going out. 

Writing these made me realize how much effort I put into such mundane things that aren't a big deal to some people. Perhaps that says a lot about my condition that I don't know. Hopefully, I find that out someday. 
Now, because I write those things, I create a different idea of productivity. 

I survived these personal obstacles. I'm doing just fine. Not the best, but still fine. (Wow, typing that down is so satisfying.) 


 

I already have a list of blog ideas that I gradually increased from 2023. I couldn't get the motivation to write them. It'll be the first for me to write those things and I'm thinking I should probably start. I think it'll make a difference. 

Well, thank you for reading this. I'm sorry for taking much of your time. Hopefully, I made a little difference with my words. 

— blue

Overprotected Kahoko

 

"Being needed by someone in this world besides my family and for that person to want to see me all the time is such an amazing thing. It's like I've been told that it's okay for me to exist." 

— Kahoko, Overprotected Kahoko

I have been in my Japanese drama-binging era for the past month and Overprotected Kahoko (Kahogo no Kahoko) is one of the ones I have recently finished watching. 

Weirdly as it is, I spent a lot of episodes of this series crying and pouring my heart out. 

Before anything else, however, let's talk about what the story of this drama is all about. 

 

Overprotected Kahoko. As the title suggests, the story of this drama revolves around our heroine, Kahoko, and her struggles in asserting her own identity against the odds that were probably caused by her upbringing. She has a very hands-on mother and a father who, despite the awareness of problems in their family's situation, does not do anything to fix it or say anything about it. He doesn't and he couldn't, making his character that of a weak-willed husband that is often overshadowed by his wife. 

Kahoko's inability to do simple tasks and chores inside the house and even going as far as being unable to choose a career for herself is without a doubt caused by the way her mother treats her like a baby. She is seen to be privileged and lacks the understanding of an adult entirely. This is challenged when he meets a guy who stands at the opposite end of her seemingly shallow struggles. 

It has been months since I watched this movie that only the faces of the cast are left in my memory and apart from Kahoko, I honestly cannot remember the other characters' names. I had to check online so I could write them down here. 

The guy that Kahoko will meet is Hajime. He's an art major who is determined to be a successful painter and to eventually live off of that job. However, for that to happen he has to spend his days doing part-time and odd jobs to make ends meet because you can't exactly be a famous artist overnight. That's not how the industry works which is the whole point of the struggle that makes Kahoko's problems seem shallow. He even goes as far as to say that people like Kahoko are the burdens of society as they contribute nothing to the economy or the development of a country. 

None of these is Kahoko's fault, however. Throughout the drama, Kahoko has proven how she wants to have her own identity and she wants to get out of this safety cocoon that her mother has built for her and yet she is having a hard time because everything is that new to her. She hasn't worked a day in her life, she can't make meals for herself, and she can't even choose what dress she would wear to school. Everything is a new learning experience that it's so confusing. It's like making a toddler walk for the first time. 

Apart from this nurtured trait, I can't help but think that Kahoko has more underlying issues than what was mentioned in the series though. I can't confirm because I am not an expert and it was never explicitly said by anyone in the story, but I have this inkling that she could be autistic or at least within the spectrum. The way her emotions overflow and how she has a hard time regulating them, or how honest she is with little control about her reactions as she is unable to read the room all points to that possibility. Again, I could be wrong, but this could essentially explain more about her as a person that no one around her could have understood. But in the end, they chuck up everything into Kahoko being what she was and everything is somehow okay. 

This theory aside, let me now talk about the characters that infuriated me as I watched this, 

Number one, on the top of the list, is her mother. Almost all of Kahoko's problems are caused by how her mother treats her. I hated it when she outwardly showed how displeased she was at the way her daughter was finally gaining independence. Like finally! For the entirety of her whole life. Normal parents would've been happy, albeit still sad, at the signs of their children finally leaving the nest. But the way she handled it was not how a parent should've done, especially as the mother who was always there to support her through and from childhood. It made Kahoko feel helpless as if she is bound to be trapped in her mother's hands. It is borderline obsessiveness and is actually creepy in a way. The tone of the series made it seem lighter than reality. I like the delivery, however, that is if we're talking about it story-wise. 

Number two, her father. He's not the better parent despite how he thinks he might be. He's a pushover and doesn't do anything to help his daughter that much. He has this grand plan every time but doesn't have enough of the will to execute them. I pity him too, in a way. I don't feel the chemistry between him and his wife. I've been wondering as I watch this couple interact onscreen, but I see no reason why they would ever get married. But they did. Maybe it's all the grown-up stuff again that won't make sense in the view of the outsider. He cared about his family though and that has been one of the traits that I like about him. He doesn't hold back Kahoko as well and he does his best to support her when his wife stubbornly rejects her. I don't know, maybe he is a bit of a better parent when it comes to nurture and all. 

Number three, Kahoko's cousin. Sure, I understand where she's coming from. I understand her tendencies and I sympathized with her as a fellow artist who knows how hard it would be if I were robbed of the one thing that enables me to create. But that doesn't mean that she instantly has the pass to be a brat and toss away everyone who cares about her. She could be mad. No one is stopping her, but in turn, she has to communicate why she is mad and understand her parents and relatives as well. If she wants to cut them off, have the decency to be reasonable and not be stupid. She is a realistic character in the sense that she is molded as a teenager with the tendency for rebellion, but I still do not like her, especially with how she treats Kahoko. 

Those complaints aside, the premise of character development made me think better of each character. They have a lot to change, however. A simple step to the better won't cut in the long run. I would like to imagine that everything is better past the scenes of the show.

Now let's go back to our main character. 

I like her. I could see why her mother would want to protect her all her life. She is childlike and her brightness and honesty that other people might take advantage of is something you would want to shield so she wouldn't get hurt. But what I most admire about her is her will to find out what she can be. When she wants something, she is bound to not stop until she gets it. When she knows something is wrong, she might hesitate for a while, but still, she would do something about it because she knows that something wrong should not be left to stay wrong. She is admirable and it was hard not to want to be like her.

Overall, I liked the story, One thing I would have wanted more of however are moments between Hajime and Kahoko. Their love story is cute as how they supported each other was so wholesome and pure. I needed more!

 

BLUE'S CORNER:

        Hi. You're here.

        I wouldn't have expected my eyes to water and pour the tears out like a waterfall when I watched the first episode. I thought it would be this light show that would give me a few laughs and might even bore me with some of its cliche plots. But lo and behold, I was crying before I could realize that I was crying. 

        If I were to go over the reasons why, I would put this reason at the top of the list. I'm a sucker for stories that portray a mother-and-daughter relationship. Whether that relationship is wholesome or terrible and toxic, I wouldn't care. It would make me cry. I guess that says a lot about my own life as a daughter. That is something I can elaborate in fiction but can't explain in real truthful tales.

        As I'm writing this, I'm beginning to wonder whether I would be a good parent to a non-existent child that I might not even have in the future. I'm so unstable as I am now. My traumas and burdens tell me what I should and should not do, but the familiarity of all that might still lead me to do the things I shouldn't. My own emotions would overpower me and that usually ends up with me lashing out to other people.

        I don't know, just a random thought. Thinking about it, if I become a mother now I wouldn't be able to handle it. That makes me wonder how my mother managed to raise me when she was my age. 

        Going past this first reason is Kahoko's character. I relate to her in some ways, and in some ways, I wish I could be more like her. I am incapable of doing simple chores. I am scared of going outside because of some unexplained anxiety that I wish I could solve. I understand her outburst due to overstimulating situations. When her cousin yelled at her and she had a panic attack because of it, I had a panic attack along with her. I don't like shouting. It takes me back to a bad memory that happened a few years ago. Every time I hear shouting, whether it be due to happiness or frustration, it always seems to me that somewhere within close proximity from me is a scene of someone fighting and the image of violence rises. I do not like violence.

        But with every scene that shows Kajoko's strengths and tenacity, I became more and more sure that she is way better than me at this. She has the potential to be more than what she is. I'm not sure I have that. I wish I did. I keep rooting for her at every obstacle and I cry at the way she cries with the new emotions she's discovering with the help of her new experiences. "I have never felt this way before," that was her usual phrase with a eureka moment of some sort. I find myself saying that phrase in my head more often recently. 

        Last but not the least reason, the grandmother. By the end of the show (spoiler alert) Kahoko's grandmother died. I still haven't gotten over the death of my grandma. I called her Lola, as per Filipino culture. Her death was the second time and yet the most impactful event that made me realize what true loss and grief are. I can't elaborate further without setting myself up through emotional self-torture. Although that is a usual occurrence, I would like to spare myself from such this time around, thank you very much. 

        So that's it. 

KAHOGO NO KAHOKO

(overprotected kahoko)

PERSONAL                               

CONNECTION                                   

RATING:                9/10

_______________________ thanks for reading ^^

a/n. As I reread this, I feel like I hadn't written enough. I don't know if it's just me but I seem far too detached that I am usually on my blog. I hope it didn't seem like that to you. I still want thus to feel like a letter addressed to a close friend. I left out a few details on my corner because of reasons. I really have been too unstable recently. Thinking about it now, maybe I left those out because while I'm writing this blog I was at the verge of wanting to take self control and so I made seem like a school assignment unconsciously. I don't really want that. I want this to be personal and I want you to know how Kahoko really made me want to be a better version me. Seems I forgot tho because I'm not any better as compared to the me who watched this a month back. Well, we'll keep trying. 

The Problem with Forever

"Forever was a work in progress. And I couldn’t wait for forever."

— Mallory, The Problem with Forever

[ trigger warnings: child abuse, mentions of drugs ]

It has been long since I have read an actual Young Adult novel. I have been filling my completed book list with adult or incoming adult books (without the actual intention to) that I forgot how it usually feels to read about teenagers falling in love and getting in trouble. 

So, here I was, feeling.

The Problem with Forever by Jennifer L. Armentrout. Just by the name I was sure that there was gonna be some waterworks plot in there. But me as I am, I did not prepare myself for any tearjerker cause i usually do not let out tears on a book unless they are so good, and the words hit home. Let me get to that in a minute.

The story revolves around this teenage girl named Mallory. She's a foster kid who got adopted by quite a nice couple that tried their best to nurse her back to health, both physically and mentally and perhaps they tried their best with the emotional part of that holistic health circle. She was abused as a kid in her past foster home and a lot of things happened that made her this child who can barely talk and get her points across through words. Abuse, it just ruins you. 

Then comes this boy. His name is Rider, and he calls Mallory "Mouse" because of... reasons. He's the kind of guy that treats you nice, and is nice, but grown-ups might look at as nothing but trouble. But most importantly, he was with Mallory for most of their childhood in foster care. He was the guy who was there before anyone was. 

So as the stories go, we have the problem. Mallory just can't be with a bad boy looking runt from the street because, well parent reasons. That part was expected. That's how it always goes, even in real life. 

But I just can't get over the fact that Rider just has to have the best lines! Like really good lines that makes you want to swoon, but then you remember you're not Mallory so those words weren't meant for you. (This is not me... okay, maybe it was.) But kidding aside, I really think some of his lines were precious enough to make Mallory feel safe and secure. Like I said, they were the perfect lines, just the right words to make everything feel like they're okay. It makes you believe that everything would be alright and yeah, sometimes we need that. Mallory is lucky to have that. Words are too hard to come by and because this is a book, the author makes it so easy. But it isn't easy in real life. Sometimes the words are just not there when you need them.

Everyone in the novel had baggage to unload. No one was spared, and I guess that's true to life because everyone of us has this past or even future that we dread and fear. Mallory was told a handful of times because of this that she's not special. Because almost all of us has things we are anxious about, she was told that she didn't need the pity party that she liked to make with herself and sometimes with others. 

But that's not really it. It might be true that she's not that special, but no one really has the right to undermine her experiences, nor she with what others are going through. She might be too wrapped up with her own struggles and that may be a problem, but nothing would go well if she's told that she doesn't have the right to feel this way. She has the freedom to. It's her life. But what is more important is that she had the will to outgrow that, to not forget and accomodate that into her life as she matures and finds a way a reason for her to be better. 

There were some issues dropped into the story that didn't quite get the spotlight. They passed by so quickly that I had hoped they had more elaboration of some sorts. Marquette for example was an often mentioned source of insecurity for Mallory but no actual flashback from the parents' perspective was ever made. I really think there's more to what they're letting on. Or maybe she was just one hell of a perfect daughter and so no questions ask. (For clarification, Marquette was the daughter of the couple that adopted Mallory.) I also wish Hector and Ainsley had more closure. There was this off screen conversation that happened, but we will never know what they talked about and how that went. I know Ainsley isn't the main character her, but I like to think that she deserves her own book and I'm just gonna imagine that that statement is real. I need to know more about her family, her illness, her boyfriend! Where did all those info drop about her go?(Fanfiction always has the answers. Who says I can't write them?)

Talking about the writing style, I missed it! There's just this vibe with Young Adult books that are so easy to get lost in. It's one of the styles that I have adapted into my own writing style that makes it easy for me to jot down the scenes. There's just this flow that is simple and so you wouldn't get hold up into every sentence. Some may not like that, but I do! (Insert guarding stance.)

The ending of the story has been wrapped up nicely, and I'm not gonna go into the specifics with it because that would be a major spoiler, but I like it. It's a little too simple though and as mentioned, I wanted more info with the supporting characters. Simply speaking, I WANT MORE!

BLUE'S CORNER

        Hi again to my little nook. 

        As stated on the opening sentence, I don't usually cry with books. I usually do that more often with movies because I can see the characters face and I can hear how their voices break when they're about to shed their tears. Audiobooks too because I can hear the change of tone every line.

        I didn't exactly bawl my eyes out for this one. It wasn't that serious, but it hit enough for me to stare into space for a solid ten minutes. I was honestly planning to write this review just as I was replaying the scenes of the novel in my head at that moment, but then my impulsive brain decided I would go on stream and be silently thinking about it as I talked and rambled like I am totally sane. (Please be convinced that I am.)

        Mallory struggles a lot with her speech. She has stutters and at the start of the novel she only ever says one or two words with such a soft voice. When she said that the words weren't the problem because she always had them and and that the problem was how to put a voice in those words, I stopped to breathe.

        There's a reason why I have always loved writing. At the point when I realized that I could write whatever I want and however I can, I felt like I was given this power I never thought I had. I could never say the things I want to. Even this very stuff I'm writing right now, I may never be able to say them as coherently as I can when I speak because I ramble. I ramble a lot, so much that others might have a hard time understanding what I actually mean. And sometimes it isn't even about the ramble. Sometimes it's about the fact that my thoughts are to deep and putting them into actual spoken words make me seem scary and complicated. I'm not denying that though. I am complicated. I just try to act simple so others wouldn't have a hard time.

        When Rider said, "I love it when you ramble," I stopped and unconsciously thought... I kinda want someone to say that to me. Again, he has the best lines! Just, why Mr. Fictional character? Stop making me daydream about a guy who can be like that. 

        Okay, moving on. I can't remember exactly on what part I cried, which is weird because I literally finished the book a night before making this review, but I think it was at the end part. To spare you from spoilers, basically it was the part where Rider and Mallory spilled their emotional guts out and laid out all the corpses that they've been hiding along with their dreams in life. That honesty stabbed me a lot of times as the paragraphs rolled on because those same things are the ones I have been keeping under my bed and haunts me every time I'm about to sleep. 

        I'm thinking I should list all those negative stuff, but now I'm hesitating because they are these dense blobs that I have to reread in the book so I could name them specifically. I kinda don't want to do that. But yes, let's just leave that as the great bubble of insecurities. 

        I like the title of this book. I too think that there's a problem with forever. For me, it doesn't exist. But like how Mallory says, there are moments that would feel like forever, and it is so hard to convince your brain that it's not. Those are the bad days, the painful days. While for happy days, forever doesn't feel like it'll fit into the equation. You immediately understand that that smiling face wouldn't last very long and that's sad. Because we would want to be happy forever, forever satisfied and never alone in a sense of being lonely.

        But I make do of what I have. I personally don't like to 'live forever' anyway. There's a certain appeal to thinking about something would end eventually. It's the wishing it would or wouldn't, it's the cherishing every second or it's the excitement about wanting to know what comes next. I sincerely hope there's something good coming my way.

THE PROBLEM WITH FOREVER

JENNIFER L. ARMENTROUT

PERSONAL                              

CONNECTION                                   

RATING:                9/10

_______________________ thanks for reading ^^

gif made by yours truly.

    

.

The Love Hypothesis

 

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." 

— The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood

[ some trigger warnings: sexual assault ]

It has been a while since I finished listening to the audiobook of this one. Once in a while, I decide to dive into an audiobook to sate my busy mind even though my eyes and my brain itself don't want to look at words and jumbling letters. I hate it when people say listening to audiobooks doesn't count as actually reading the book. You finished the story. You understood what it's about and it resonated with you just as it would when you do silent reading. Maybe I'm not making sense, but in the end, whether you're listening or reading, it's just the same: You are consuming books.

So, this story came barging into me at the very moment when it would hit me more than it ever would. If I had discovered it a little earlier, it wouldn't have the same effect. Same yearning, just a different underlying feeling. 

Anyway, enough about that for now. We have a separate corner for that. Right now, off to the main plot we go. 

  

Fake relationship cliche.  That's the premise of the story. The characters knew this, how the plot driver is this romcom cliche you get to see in movies. We kinda of know how this will pan out and of course it will eventually turn out that way. I don't think that's much of a surprising spoiler. The conclusion of the story would almost always end up with the fake relationship transforming into true feelings, aka true love, and would ultimately be sealed with the commitment that the earlier chapters lacked. Yes, that's how this all ends up to be. 

But we're not just here for the ending. If we were, then we'd all just choose to look at the last chapter, scan through its pages, and then call it a day. The whole adventure and the fun come with all the mishaps that got them from that one innocent-looking lie until their definition of a happily ever after. 

I would like you to keep in mind though that it has been months since I have listened to the audiobook of this story. That means that I have forgotten most of the tiny details that made it up. I even forgot the names of the characters! (They are Olive Smith and Adam Carlsen by the way. Yes, I have checked on Goodreads. Also, I actually have never known how to spell their names before this because I have only listened to them being said by someone and not being read by my own two eyes leaves me making up the spelling every time they are mentioned.)

So, sparing you the spoilers and the specific tiny details of the plot, these arranged their relationship based on some reasons that they laid out right out front. Okay, so Adam may have this quite sensible reason, but maybe not so much with Olive. I don't know, you be the judge of that. The whole story is set in academia, which means both of them are no longer teenagers. Maybe I shouldn't drop this, but to let you know what you'll get, Adam is an instructor while Olive is technically a student working on her master's, I think? Again, they're grown-ups, but just to give you a heads-up. And anyway, Olive isn't Adam's direct student, so the school didn't put any restrictions on the subject. (They have brought up this argument so many times in the book that it's stuck in my head.) 

I haven't been reading much of adult or mature romances in the past, but lately, it stuck an interest. I don't know if it's because of curiosity, being bored with YA, or it's just my age speaking to me. That last thought makes me a bit teary. Saying goodbye to my teen years is so not good of a feeling sometimes. But, setting that aside, the romance in the mature section sure is a different atmosphere. After all, adults do act differently from teenagers. They're more careful compared to the reckless high schoolers. But considering the plot of the story, adults are still stupid despite their age. I guess that's just the human part of the equation talking though. 

What made this a favorite of mine is probably because of Adam's character. He may be a bit stoic, but overall, such a caring guy. I mean, not surprising considering he's the male lead and this is written by a girl, and that's just how guys are in the world of books. And of course, we always would fall for that because who wouldn't want a caring partner? I definitely would if you asked me. But unfortunately, we don't have that kind of person just lying around. Olive is just seriously lucky, I guess. If you read the story as well I'm sure you'd agree. This is the work of destiny, aka the author's plotline at work. But if it were to happen in real life, then consider it a miracle!

This sounds like I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe I am. With all the love story books I have read and the romance movies I've seen, perhaps I'm secretly this hopeless romantic who pretends to be nonchalant about every happy ending. But of course, that's just me being bitter. If you are happy with your partner, then I'm happy for you because you deserve it!

And that's just how I felt when this whole drama with Olive and Adam stopped dragging on and on and just being official with all the honesty packed along with it. Them finally getting on the same shared ground without the insecurities and the assumptions of having an unrequited love was a great finish to all the drama I had to endure just to get there. Not saying I don't like drama. As a reader, it is a given that a story should at least have a pinch of a struggle for it to be entertaining. It's when it drags in this nonsense pacing that makes it kind of tiring. (And yet I don't stop reading even through it. Maybe this is what it means to be addicted.)

Going out of the romance and on to a different topic, I just want to drop how this story included the themes of sexual assault to perhaps push character development to both of our characters. In my opinion, it is not needed. One should not be put through this experience, ever. You can acknowledge your self-worth on your own terms, and no one should degrade you or make you feel you have to degrade yourself before needing to prove them wrong. 

I'm not gonna drop down the name of the person who was vile enough to act like complete garbage. That would ruin something in the reading experience, if I haven't yet that is. But I would just like to drop how I really hate him, and I wish he didn't have to exist even just through the means of words on paper. A person like that does not deserve to be called human and his thinking so highly of himself makes it so ironic and laughable. I'm glad that along with the main characters, I have also forgotten his name and I have no intention of looking it up. 

BLUE'S CORNER

            When I first thought about writing this review, I was ready to unpack quite a lot of things along the way. But now that I finally had the chance to write it down a few months later, I'm a bit lost on what to say. I don't think my words now would do any justice to the emotions I have felt while I was at that moment of realization. I am now in a quite better spot than before, although there are some nights when reality suddenly hits me in the face to remind me of how these things happened and no one would be able to turn back time to take them back. I would if I could, but of course that's impossible. We only live on and try to not do things the second time, or hope such things never happen again. 

            I did not expect to be in the middle of a break-up when I started this book. No one could expect such a thing. So, yes, that was me sounding bitter a few paragraphs ago. That was not a trick caused by the imagination. No use in dwelling on the gory details. Keeping the relevance of this situation to the story that we are talking about, let's just say that perfect guys in books make you want to cry. The way they act and the way they care would make you realize, that yes, there was something wrong with the one you had. Why did it take the last straw for things to end? One of the many mysteries in the world. 

            Switching to a more serious topic: sexual harassment. (YOU MAY WISH TO SKIP THIS PART.) I have not experienced a serious situation regarding this although some moments were borderline scary. However, just recently, I was attacked online. I am writing this down to say that no one should be experiencing what I did. I was fine when I received the messages, but maybe it was because I didn't read them properly. When I began to read it again as I was taking screenshots as evidence, it was hard to stomach the words that were in it. It makes you think that maybe there's a problem with the way you carry and projected yourself onto them and maybe that is why you have gained this unwanted attention, and that thought makes you sick. But no, you are not at fault. But you wish someone would have told you that. I wished someone had. So, I'm telling you now. You were not at fault. It never was our fault. No one has the right to make us feel that something like this is our fault, and I cannot stress this enough. 

            So now comes healing. Olive in the book needed all her time to heal from everything that she has been through, and I am the same. I'm still in the middle of it. I don't exactly have the same support system that she had. I'm not the type to spill my baggage on the people who know me. I'm the type that pours my feelings using a different name to serve as an outlet and then forgets that I wrote them there a few months later. But I'll get there, I hope so. I hope we all will. 

THE LOVE HYPOTHESIS

ALI HAZELWOOD 

PERSONAL                              

CONNECTION                                   

RATING:               8.5/10

_______________ You have reached the end... I have no idea what to feel about this review. I think I went too personal and I'm having doubts about posting it. If you think so as well, don't be afraid to tell me. But... if you read it from start to finish, thanks... I'll try to get comfort over the fact that someone took time to do so. 

Have a great day. 

 

art used at the start is made by yours truly.

Drops of God

 

"What kind of father does that to his own children?"

--- Issei Tomine, Drops of God

[ some trigger warnings: child abuse, cheating ]

This will be the first movie slash series that I would be giving my thoughts on. I don't really understand why I chose to and why did I decide that this specific series should be the first one that I should rate, or something like that. Maybe I was just triggered by the characters? Maybe I was just deeply irritated by the reality that was depicted in the story? I don't know. 

But either way, here we are. This is the first, but it definitely will not be the last. As the geek that I am, I will be bombarding you with anime, manhwa, manga, and other media very soon! (Dropping that to warn you what you're getting aside from book reviews. And just a slight note, when I say books, I meant all kinds which include Japanese light novels as well.)

So, how about that? Should we get on with it?

Drops of God features a struggle for inheritance between a daughter and her father's best student. The whole wealth of the man, I forgot his name but let's just call him by his surname Ledger, circles around his obvious interest, borderline obsession, with wine. White or red, it doesn't matter as long as it's wine. He stapled his career because of it and it ended him with a vast collection of rare bottles of wine, some of which are out of stock already and can not be found anywhere else in the world. This collection is the largest in the world, not according to number, but again the rarity and the money equivalent to that. So, yes. this whole collection is what their fighting for as an inheritance. 

Now the conflict lies with our main character's childhood, Camille Ledger. You see, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. As I said, her father has a borderline obsession with wine. That, unfortunately, was pushed into innocent little Camille at the height of her childhood. Let's just say... she was his first student in this whole guessing the wine through taste, smell, and color. (Elite stuff that I don't want to dig that much into because personally, I am not that interested in wine and I have not drunk alcohol yet in my life, for personal reasons and self-choices.) I say student, but I have always felt like this was more like being the guinea pig.  

Here comes our other character, Issei Tomine, a Japanese guy who ended up being Ledger's best student. Basically, he's like Camille 2.0, without the childhood trauma from the said man. (But that doesn't mean he doesn't have any trauma somewhere else. It's all about trauma ladies and gentlemen!) I'm just gonna make you wonder if he's a bad guy or not for wanting a piece of that inheritance for himself. A little background though, he's supposed to be the heir to this big Japanese corporation. 

So now, let me tell you why I liked this series. 

First off, the number of various languages used in the duration of the whole series. Camille is French, which ticks that box out. Then, Issei is Japanese. another box ticked. But we also got Italian side characters! And to tie that all up the English made all of these different races understand each other given the mixture of cultures, making it a common ground. But the most exciting thing about this is how that relates to me as a person who's learning new languages apart from my own. 

French is the first foreign language that I have ever considered wanting to learn as a kid, although I have sort of given up taking it on as time passed because of how complicated I now realize it to be. It just sounded really elegant to the six-year-old Blue. Japanese on the other hand is the language that I started learning at the start of high school and now one that I'm proud to say I can use at a conversational level. Italian then is a new interest that I've got after watching one teen drama set in Italy. To conclude is the English that I'm glad to use to be able to connect with my international friends and well, nice people around the world. 

Second, I love Camille's rebelling phase which goes beyond as the literal parent in question is dead. Finding your own way after being led alone by your idolized parent your whole life is a lot of work, emotionally especially. And though the whole focus is on the inheritance, it ultimately boils down to this, Camille not letting her father control her life and breaking free from that childhood trauma. Because even though it's extremely upsetting that a dead person can have this much hold on you, that's not far off reality. That happens in real life. So being able to conquer that and me being in the front seat to see was an experience. 

Third, I love Issei's character. I want to dwell on this deeper, but I also don't want to ruin it by dropping a bomb. But ultimately, he's a guy who knows what he wants. Throughout the story, his will never truly wavered. Sure, it swayed a bit but knew what he wanted and what he didn't want, and not having the privilege doesn't change that. Also, he doesn't want it to be given to him the easy way either. He works for it and he wants it to be something he deserved by his own hands, I wish I had the same strength of will as him. Currently working on that. (A little tidbit on why I liked Issei as well is his actor, I knew him from a previous Japanese movie which was a contrast from this one because that was a romance movie. Not gonna jump onto that one though, sorry.)

[ps. I have just found out while writing this update as I search the net for pictures that this is actually an adaptation of a manga??! Guess you know where I'm going next. ]

BLUE'S CORNER:

    Now you're here. Thanks for reaching my usual corner. 

    The whole series overall talks about how parents can be too much controlling of their children's future. I usually see that in Asian culture media, but of course it's not just in that certain population. 

    While I can say that I'm lucky enough for my parents to support me in my art and my writing and all of that, I just remembered this one time where I kind of felt such as well, however never to the same degree. 

    I was a science-oriented student in high school. With that, I was geared up in both academics and mindset that I would pursue something science related, ultimately being into the medical field. I looked away from my art-related passions as a mere hobby because it just sounded ridiculous at that time. Yeah wow, insulting the industry that I admire. That was me being blind and the one who is ridiculous because hey past self, look where I am now. I am learning something that might have me in the filmmaking industry! 

    Okay, so yes, let's back up a bit from that and mention that said science-related career visions may or may not be because my parents told me to. But now, I am being supported by my passions and my current goals. Relating that to my parents in a way that the series portrays makes me see how your parents' own life experiences might affect you as a kid. You see, my dad is both an artist and once a trying poet/writer. His art commissions helped us with our finances when I was a kid and even now. I remember watching him make his pieces and being amazed by the process. I even played with his used-up art materials on the side while he worked. With that, my family knows how art can be beneficial. It's hypocrite to degrade art when it has once fed us and helped us through. 

    So yes, I can see now how I'm lucky with that aspect. I'm not bragging, I'm just realizing that and seeing the contrast for other people. I wish I could just hug them because no one should be forced to be something that they don't want to be. 

    Parenting, everyone. That shapes a whole living person. As a parent you're not just building a character, you are raising a person with a whole identity of their own. As a parent, it's not your job to just shape them into this mold you have for yourself, it's letting them find out what they can be out of all these amazing options!

    And yes, just because they are parents doesn't mean they're always right. But unfortunately, that's what a child sees, that their parents are always right. I even remember as a kid that everything I wanted to be and has was all reflected in what my mom is and has. So in that perspective, the adults hold responsibility. They should own up to that responsibility. 

DROPS OF GOD

                                                              PERSONAL                                                                                

                                                        CONNECTION                                                                                   

                                                                   RATING:          7.5/10

Hopefully, I made sense. Sometimes, and I mean all the time, I worry that my words might offend someone just because I worded them poorly with the thoughts pouring like a waterfall out of my head. If you made your way to understand my thoughts, thanks. You're a really nice person ^^

--- art at the start made by me, movie poster credit goes to its creators. have a nice day!

[BLUE's corner]: what even are words? #1

 

This blog has been silent as far as blogs should go. Honestly, I have no idea how to keep it alive. 

I have previously stated the role of the books I am reading and have read for the purpose of this blog. But, I'm in a bit of a pickle because my reading progress hasn't been phenomenal as of late. Also, none of the books I'm reading are particularly striking a chord.

Nothing will change though. My reading list would continue to be the major content of my posts. 

But, I did promise to set aside some space for the more non-specific book-related stories of my life. 

Besides, why should the name of the blog even be about blue being blue when she can't post about random stuff that doesn't actually matter most of the time? And let me tell you a secret about her. She's chaotic as heck!

I have already told you about the tale of how I came to love reading. You can read it again if you like just so you wouldn't be out of the loop. It's a bit of an interesting story for me and I like to make it a fun fact about myself that I often, unfortunately, can't bring up unless the conversation allows it. Now I finally can. 

But now, I wanna talk about what I read. Before I dwell on the genres and whatnot, let me start with language--the very words that make up the pages of the book that I can and would like to understand in the future. 

#1 ENGLISH

If you know me, you're probably asking why I start with this and not my own language, which I would like to reveal at a later opportunity (I like suspense that way). There are several reasons for that. 

No. 1, most of you probably and most likely use English often. That's probably why you're reading this because it's written in English.

No. 2, I have just realized how dominant it is in all the media that I consume and produce.  I both feel slightly ashamed and proud about that fact. Slightly ashamed because I, as a citizen of my country, don't read that many books or watch that many movies that are using my national language (more on that soon). Proud on the other hand that I am fluent enough to express myself in a language that dominates the world, which means a lot of people will get the chance to hear me, and I would get more chances in learning the stories of other people. And if you know me, you know that I am head over heels for the tales of everything imaginable, seen, and created.

No. 3, I am in love with this language. Something about it makes me want to write and write and read and read and read. Don't get me wrong, I love other languages too. I can't really say that it's my number one, but it's honestly one of the firsts. Being one of the firsts, it sticks to you. I love its quirkiness, its unpredictability, and its hidden elegance that as a writer, I love to wield. 

Guess that's all the reason... 

Oh, I forgot the last one! 

With this language, I can ramble. I can type on endlessly without stopping and that helps when I want to pour out something that is bothering my head or something that excites it to no end. No breaks. No stops. Pure word vomit. (getting bored by the evident rambling by now?)

So yes, English played a part in the making of me now. It made me more social too. 

I was never really fluent in the language, not until this one specific class back when I was in grade 8. I was fourteen years old then. 

You guessed it! English class. 

We were asked to only speak English for the entire class hour. I wasn't confident enough about that! But I did--became confident! My seatmates were fluent enough to engage me in a conversation without making everything seem awkward and by the end of the year, there you have it! I am an entirely different person(kinda--not much).

My favorite teachers were also mostly English teachers. They're the very people who commended my love of reading and the ones who acknowledged my skill in writing. One specific teacher even left me with her words engraved in my head because of how they resonated with me. Her words were kind of like this: "Literature is life. It is about life." I would add in my head that it also gives life, and that has been so significant to me. 

And there you have it, a ramble in a jumble by Blue. 

Would you read again something as chaotic and random as this?