[BLUE'S CORNER]: struggling with anxiety

 

I have always been known as the shy scared cat of the family. I don't remember when it all started, but my oldest memories show me nothing else but staying cooped up inside the house and avoiding people as much as possible. It's not something I'm proud of, rather something that brought me nothing but trouble in the past and even know. 

I have wasted a lot of opportunities and chances because of it. Reliving it now by writing this, I hope I'd be able to manage it more. 

A CHILD WHO CAN'T SPEAK

I hated talking to people. 

ON the first year of kindergarten, the teacher asked us our names on the firs day of class. Fortuantely, she went to each of our seats and asked us one by one. Unfortunately for me, however, even that wasn't enough to make me feel relaxed. When it was my turn to say my name, I had to say it twice and have to whisper close to her ear cause she couldn't hear me. My voice was too small... 

It was hard to speak out my mind when even answering simple question I couldn't use my voice properly. 

Neighbors would ask me where my mom went when I stayed at home and she isn't around but then I would only nod or shake my head. 

We had a small store inside the house when I was kid but I don't remember ever helping to sell anything there. I would watch over it when my mom would fall asleep, but every time someone comes trying to buy something I would always ask for my mother, call for her until she wakes up and do the work.

I'm part of a church who has this very tight knit and social community. Everyone has to participate and be a part of the service eventually. I didn't want to be part of it at all. I have to stand in front of the whole church and I hated taht. Although it was a small church, I still couldn't do it. I would cry and throw a tanrtrum. The grown-ups would laugh while my mom scolded me, but I couldn't help but think they might have hated me for it. 

It went on and on until I entered elementary school. The girl who doesn't speak. The girl who always reads and keeps to herself. The girl who barely raises her hand. The girl who didn't stand out. And so and so.

A VOICE THAT CAN BARELY BE HEARD

A friend told me that my voice is too soft. They thought that was just a defensive mechanism, and perhaps it somehow is, but they also told me that when I started talking in front of class my voice still wasn't that loud. I would look like I'm having a hard time and that I was doing my best to speak loud but it wasn't enough, it was pitiful, I didn't really realize that it was like that.

But I was sure my voice was too soft. Sometimes, it was more the workings of the mind. It just won't come out sometimes.

When someone helps me, my voice would strain to say thank you. It was like I never said it out all. I would always say sorry even if I didn't do anything wrong, but my voice would be too small I might as well have not said it. 

There's something about using it that scares me. I worry that the words wouldn't come out right when I say it that in the end I wouldn't be able to say it at all. That if I ever make a mistake no one would be able to notice cause it would seem like I never said anything. It's a double edged sword and it has always hit me. 

HIDING FROM THE SPOTLIGHT

I couldn't stand in the limelight for long. It felt wrong for me, like I didn't belong there. At the same time, being in the light means every one will see if I ever make a mistake. 

Deep down, I probably liked the attention. It's ironic that I couldn't stand it. Just one of the ironies that I don't understand about myself. 

So, as much as possible I never volunteered. I didn't raise Mt hand even though I knew the answer. I would hide in the corner, hide in my room and choose a place where I wouldn't be seen, Maybe that's why I liked sharing stuff on the internet that much. I could pretend that people didn't notice me because the attention is fleeting. One react, one read and the attention is done. I'm not forcing anyone to look as well. One of the other reasons to it. If I stand in the spotliht, it feels like I'm holding a sign that says look at me. Isn't that too overbearing? I didn't want to be a bother to anyone.

It's the aame with sending a dm to someone as well. That notification bell that holds my name is like a spotlight I aimed at myself. It's too bright for me, like the person is staring directly at where I stand, making me think about running away. 

HIDING FROM BRIGHT OPPORTUNITIES

I could list a ton of chances I let pass and it would take me a whole day and a sleepless night of thinking and sifting through the memories of an embarrassing past that I don't want to revisit, so let's not.

Let's leave it with the fact that I could have achieved fat more if only my head didn't stop me with all the nonsense it conjured up.

IT'S GETTING SERIOUS WHEN...

Have you ever starved yourself because you can't bear to line up behind a ton of people inside the fast food chain? Have you gone through all the pain of figuring out how a project is to be done because you can't simply talk to the teacher? Have you ever pass up a number of fun activities cause you just can' handle the thought of being surrounded by strangers?

And so on... And so on...

Let's pretend you have no idea why I asked these questions. 

But yes, it's troublesome. 

STRUGGLES OF BEING AN ANXIOUS CREATIVE

I love writing. I love art. I love it when people can express their intertest on the things I create. 

But...! 

I hate that I have to initiate  socializing in order to build a follwing and an audience. Advertising is the worst of the worst. It drains me a lot It's ironic considering. I'm studying Advertising as a part of my major in college. 

Sometimes I wish I could just focus on creating and not on the advertising aspect but this is reality and that's not going to happen unless I hire someone to handle it for me. That's too much for me as well. It's hard to work with someone because then. I'd have to make sure that I reach expectations.

Well, it goes to show how it's I probably won't survive if I keep this up.

I think I've improved compared to before, but even now I still have the worries that put me in a lot of trouble most of the time 

To my fellow anxious peeps, let's hand on a little longer.

__________________ Thank you so much for reading ^^
Sketch made by yours truly