[BLUE'S CORNER]: me and the topic of productivity

 

I haven't written anything personal for the last few months. This entry is even the first for this year, 2024. So many things have changed in contrast with 2023 and I could go on and on with those said changes and maybe I won't be able to finish. So I'm not going to talk about it (for now).  

I have been reading and watching a bunch of books and films these days but I haven't found anything that has struck me like those stories I have already added to this blog. I might get another one of those soon, hopefully soon, so I can have this blog up and running again. 

In compensation, I would like to continue making more entries for my rambles. This is my personal space so I think I'm free to spill my guts here. As sanitary as possible, of course. Don't worry. I'm not gonna tell anything that specific. I'm not that brave. 

For now, here's the topic: PRODUCTIVITY. 

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH PRODUCTIVITY. 

In the past, I haven't been that particular about what I can make and what I can contribute with the time that I have in my hands. I was simply doing what was asked of me and that's it. The rest, I do what I want. 

But there's something about growing up that makes you realize you don't exactly have all the time in the world. That realization makes you want to act as if it's a rule you have to follow. By the time I found a skill I could hone and polish, I was trying to do that almost every day. 

That was most of the pandemic time. I can say I'm proud of the writing I have accomplished during those months. I even completed two novels! A number of my achievements that I always try to remind myself cause sometimes I forget. 

Sometimes it slips our mind that we have already gone far because we feel like it's not far enough. Should probably pat myself on the back and look back on my journey once in a while. 

Now, during those times, I've already known the love-hate relationship that I had with productivity. Some days I write one passage, and sometimes I can write a lot. Until I couldn't write anymore. 

I think when school came, I and my self-proclaimed image of productivity broke up. 

It was more of me being cruel to myself, I realize that now, but it's hard to convince yourself when you're in that moment when you can't seem to reach it—productivity. 




MY SCULPTED IMAGE OF PRODUCTIVITY.

It's stupid. I can't be up and running all the time. I know that. But my head doesn't comprehend. 

I often consider productivity as a drug. Gets you high till it wears off so you try to reach for it every time, but your body can't really take much of it and so you wallow in despair because you can't have it. (Way to make it sound so poetic, dear self.)




WHAT OTHERS SEE FROM BEYOND THE TINTED GLASS.

I once found it baffling every time people tell me how diligent I am for I don't think that's it. I postpone a lot of projects, I ditch a lot of started ideas and I forget about what I should be doing because of impulsiveness. That's all beyond the barrier of the screen however so I guess it makes sense. 

I do not think I am a productive person. I consider myself to be lazy albeit stressed out. Sometimes I feel like a fraud because of it. How do I keep up this image that other people have made for me?

The answer is simple. I probably shouldn't. (Brain said forget that answer, let's search and ask again. She's stupid.) 

NOW, WE COMPROMISE.

I started journaling again. I started last year. I ditched journalling after grade 10 because writing about my day every day became such a pain. Now, I do it more for the fact that I want to feel like I have done something. I write every little thing, from buying stuff at the mall to going home alone after going out. 

Writing these made me realize how much effort I put into such mundane things that aren't a big deal to some people. Perhaps that says a lot about my condition that I don't know. Hopefully, I find that out someday. 
Now, because I write those things, I create a different idea of productivity. 

I survived these personal obstacles. I'm doing just fine. Not the best, but still fine. (Wow, typing that down is so satisfying.) 


 

I already have a list of blog ideas that I gradually increased from 2023. I couldn't get the motivation to write them. It'll be the first for me to write those things and I'm thinking I should probably start. I think it'll make a difference. 

Well, thank you for reading this. I'm sorry for taking much of your time. Hopefully, I made a little difference with my words. 

— blue