[BLUE'S CORNER]: making the best out of being a reader and a writer

 

I don't know when it all started, but before I knew it, I was noticing how I was and has been exhibiting symptoms of social anxiety. I say exhibiting symptoms because I can't say that I actually have one. They always say to never self-diagnose and so I don't. But I can't deny the obvious symptoms. They're already there. Besides, I did hear that anyone can have the symptoms and they're not limited to those who have social anxiety. I guess what's left now is a diagnosis. 

But going away to the topic of my mental diagnosis, or the lack thereof, I would like to share in this entry how I've been coping. There are these new realizations that I have had as I grew out of being a stuck-up hopeless teenager and into a not so stuck up but not yet hopeful young adult. 

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A READER.

There's nothing wrong with being a reader. According to various studies it is a pretty good trait for a person to be. I might be acting like a bad researcher by not citing those studies I'm talking about, but you get the idea. Reading is a good habit, and I am glad I am one. 

But recently I found out that I've been relying on it too much. I don't know if it's bad, what I do know is that there's something not quite right. When you feel like you always want to be the observer in a story or maybe just one of the characters at the mercy of the novelist where you don't have to worry about making decisions, I think there's something wrong. Or maybe that's normal! I don't know. But there's more to me than just this. 

I LOVE STORIES.

Going by the track of reading, I soon realized that my love for it solely stems from my interest in stories. Eventually I came to seek them out beyond books which lead me to films, comics, manga, podcasts and many other forms of media that involves some storytelling element. That's one of my reasons to play certain games as well, why I often play otome and visual novels and the like. 

My interest in stories drew out my lack of interest in making something of my own in the real world. It was always easier to stay as an audience and never part of the cast, so I was always thinking, why bother? I don't have to be the main character when there's obviously people who already decided they will take that role for themselves. I'm fine in the sidelines. I don't have to make a story arc and make routes like those MCs in otome games. I don't have to choose which lines to say. I would, instead, not say any lines at all. 

But of course, real life doesn't work that way. We're always a part of the cast and our roles are always changing. No one is exactly a mob character forever. In fact, I don't think anyone can be a mob character in their own life. (Or maybe that's just how I see it now.)

IN THE END, I WAS LURED INTO BEING A WRITER. 

There's something about stories and books that when you're getting really into them you start wanting to make something of your own. That especially when you don't get the ending you want from a story, or you don't have enough of the bits and pieces that happened within the story because the author did not reveal them to you. Those thoughts came to me a little later, specifically the thought of fanfics. 

What came to me at the middle of my reading journey however was the urge to make my own characters move the way I want them to. I want make this whole new world for every fictional entity that lurked in my brain and somehow stayed there to bother me with their chaotic life. I say chaotic because every piece of their narratives scattered. I guess it was my job to make their ramblings make sense. (Unfortunately, I had my own ramblings, so it made hard for me to make time and jot down the the ideas that should've been plotted as a part of a book or short story. I am still struggling with this through this day.)

BUt yes, to cut things short I became a wannabe writer, through various attempts of failure of course. I tried once as an elementary student but then I was so frustrated at the fact that I couldn't get the right words out that I tore my paper and threw it out. High school attempts were more fruitful. It also helped that I was beginning to read more complicated books than before. 

SO HERE I GO TRYING TO COME CONVEY THIS CONCLUSION

I am a reader. I am also a writer. If I didn't like being the main character and making decisions on my own, then what if I treat myself as a separate character and make choices as if I'm writing and plotting out this story on my laptop? Does that make sense or am I going way overboard with crazy?

I don't know. Recently I felt more loose and less anxious because I have detached myself from my decisions. Not detached as in I don't really care what happens anymore, but more on the sense that I'm thinking in a more outward view than just focusing on what's in front of me. That has always been a struggle for me, trying to get off the loop of self-hatred and the baseless idea that I will always make the wrong decisions. It's the anxiety and fear like every time. 

But with an outward view, like looking over a set of a play instead of being inside of one of the characters, I'd be more aware of what's happening around me instead of just inside me. Again, does that make sense?

I just want to be braver and do the things I have always wanted without being anxious. (In fact, that's what I always do with the characters that I wrote. I always write them into situations where they would do the things I would've if I wasn't crippled by anxiety.)

And now here I am, slightly a changed version of what I was before... Hopefully for the better. 

_________________________ Thank you for reading ^^

featured picture doodled by yours truly