The Love Hypothesis

 

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." 

— The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood

[ some trigger warnings: sexual assault ]

It has been a while since I finished listening to the audiobook of this one. Once in a while, I decide to dive into an audiobook to sate my busy mind even though my eyes and my brain itself don't want to look at words and jumbling letters. I hate it when people say listening to audiobooks doesn't count as actually reading the book. You finished the story. You understood what it's about and it resonated with you just as it would when you do silent reading. Maybe I'm not making sense, but in the end, whether you're listening or reading, it's just the same: You are consuming books.

So, this story came barging into me at the very moment when it would hit me more than it ever would. If I had discovered it a little earlier, it wouldn't have the same effect. Same yearning, just a different underlying feeling. 

Anyway, enough about that for now. We have a separate corner for that. Right now, off to the main plot we go. 

  

Fake relationship cliche.  That's the premise of the story. The characters knew this, how the plot driver is this romcom cliche you get to see in movies. We kinda of know how this will pan out and of course it will eventually turn out that way. I don't think that's much of a surprising spoiler. The conclusion of the story would almost always end up with the fake relationship transforming into true feelings, aka true love, and would ultimately be sealed with the commitment that the earlier chapters lacked. Yes, that's how this all ends up to be. 

But we're not just here for the ending. If we were, then we'd all just choose to look at the last chapter, scan through its pages, and then call it a day. The whole adventure and the fun come with all the mishaps that got them from that one innocent-looking lie until their definition of a happily ever after. 

I would like you to keep in mind though that it has been months since I have listened to the audiobook of this story. That means that I have forgotten most of the tiny details that made it up. I even forgot the names of the characters! (They are Olive Smith and Adam Carlsen by the way. Yes, I have checked on Goodreads. Also, I actually have never known how to spell their names before this because I have only listened to them being said by someone and not being read by my own two eyes leaves me making up the spelling every time they are mentioned.)

So, sparing you the spoilers and the specific tiny details of the plot, these arranged their relationship based on some reasons that they laid out right out front. Okay, so Adam may have this quite sensible reason, but maybe not so much with Olive. I don't know, you be the judge of that. The whole story is set in academia, which means both of them are no longer teenagers. Maybe I shouldn't drop this, but to let you know what you'll get, Adam is an instructor while Olive is technically a student working on her master's, I think? Again, they're grown-ups, but just to give you a heads-up. And anyway, Olive isn't Adam's direct student, so the school didn't put any restrictions on the subject. (They have brought up this argument so many times in the book that it's stuck in my head.) 

I haven't been reading much of adult or mature romances in the past, but lately, it stuck an interest. I don't know if it's because of curiosity, being bored with YA, or it's just my age speaking to me. That last thought makes me a bit teary. Saying goodbye to my teen years is so not good of a feeling sometimes. But, setting that aside, the romance in the mature section sure is a different atmosphere. After all, adults do act differently from teenagers. They're more careful compared to the reckless high schoolers. But considering the plot of the story, adults are still stupid despite their age. I guess that's just the human part of the equation talking though. 

What made this a favorite of mine is probably because of Adam's character. He may be a bit stoic, but overall, such a caring guy. I mean, not surprising considering he's the male lead and this is written by a girl, and that's just how guys are in the world of books. And of course, we always would fall for that because who wouldn't want a caring partner? I definitely would if you asked me. But unfortunately, we don't have that kind of person just lying around. Olive is just seriously lucky, I guess. If you read the story as well I'm sure you'd agree. This is the work of destiny, aka the author's plotline at work. But if it were to happen in real life, then consider it a miracle!

This sounds like I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe I am. With all the love story books I have read and the romance movies I've seen, perhaps I'm secretly this hopeless romantic who pretends to be nonchalant about every happy ending. But of course, that's just me being bitter. If you are happy with your partner, then I'm happy for you because you deserve it!

And that's just how I felt when this whole drama with Olive and Adam stopped dragging on and on and just being official with all the honesty packed along with it. Them finally getting on the same shared ground without the insecurities and the assumptions of having an unrequited love was a great finish to all the drama I had to endure just to get there. Not saying I don't like drama. As a reader, it is a given that a story should at least have a pinch of a struggle for it to be entertaining. It's when it drags in this nonsense pacing that makes it kind of tiring. (And yet I don't stop reading even through it. Maybe this is what it means to be addicted.)

Going out of the romance and on to a different topic, I just want to drop how this story included the themes of sexual assault to perhaps push character development to both of our characters. In my opinion, it is not needed. One should not be put through this experience, ever. You can acknowledge your self-worth on your own terms, and no one should degrade you or make you feel you have to degrade yourself before needing to prove them wrong. 

I'm not gonna drop down the name of the person who was vile enough to act like complete garbage. That would ruin something in the reading experience, if I haven't yet that is. But I would just like to drop how I really hate him, and I wish he didn't have to exist even just through the means of words on paper. A person like that does not deserve to be called human and his thinking so highly of himself makes it so ironic and laughable. I'm glad that along with the main characters, I have also forgotten his name and I have no intention of looking it up. 

BLUE'S CORNER

            When I first thought about writing this review, I was ready to unpack quite a lot of things along the way. But now that I finally had the chance to write it down a few months later, I'm a bit lost on what to say. I don't think my words now would do any justice to the emotions I have felt while I was at that moment of realization. I am now in a quite better spot than before, although there are some nights when reality suddenly hits me in the face to remind me of how these things happened and no one would be able to turn back time to take them back. I would if I could, but of course that's impossible. We only live on and try to not do things the second time, or hope such things never happen again. 

            I did not expect to be in the middle of a break-up when I started this book. No one could expect such a thing. So, yes, that was me sounding bitter a few paragraphs ago. That was not a trick caused by the imagination. No use in dwelling on the gory details. Keeping the relevance of this situation to the story that we are talking about, let's just say that perfect guys in books make you want to cry. The way they act and the way they care would make you realize, that yes, there was something wrong with the one you had. Why did it take the last straw for things to end? One of the many mysteries in the world. 

            Switching to a more serious topic: sexual harassment. (YOU MAY WISH TO SKIP THIS PART.) I have not experienced a serious situation regarding this although some moments were borderline scary. However, just recently, I was attacked online. I am writing this down to say that no one should be experiencing what I did. I was fine when I received the messages, but maybe it was because I didn't read them properly. When I began to read it again as I was taking screenshots as evidence, it was hard to stomach the words that were in it. It makes you think that maybe there's a problem with the way you carry and projected yourself onto them and maybe that is why you have gained this unwanted attention, and that thought makes you sick. But no, you are not at fault. But you wish someone would have told you that. I wished someone had. So, I'm telling you now. You were not at fault. It never was our fault. No one has the right to make us feel that something like this is our fault, and I cannot stress this enough. 

            So now comes healing. Olive in the book needed all her time to heal from everything that she has been through, and I am the same. I'm still in the middle of it. I don't exactly have the same support system that she had. I'm not the type to spill my baggage on the people who know me. I'm the type that pours my feelings using a different name to serve as an outlet and then forgets that I wrote them there a few months later. But I'll get there, I hope so. I hope we all will. 

THE LOVE HYPOTHESIS

ALI HAZELWOOD 

PERSONAL                              

CONNECTION                                   

RATING:               8.5/10

_______________ You have reached the end... I have no idea what to feel about this review. I think I went too personal and I'm having doubts about posting it. If you think so as well, don't be afraid to tell me. But... if you read it from start to finish, thanks... I'll try to get comfort over the fact that someone took time to do so. 

Have a great day. 

 

art used at the start is made by yours truly.

Drops of God

 

"What kind of father does that to his own children?"

--- Issei Tomine, Drops of God

[ some trigger warnings: child abuse, cheating ]

This will be the first movie slash series that I would be giving my thoughts on. I don't really understand why I chose to and why did I decide that this specific series should be the first one that I should rate, or something like that. Maybe I was just triggered by the characters? Maybe I was just deeply irritated by the reality that was depicted in the story? I don't know. 

But either way, here we are. This is the first, but it definitely will not be the last. As the geek that I am, I will be bombarding you with anime, manhwa, manga, and other media very soon! (Dropping that to warn you what you're getting aside from book reviews. And just a slight note, when I say books, I meant all kinds which include Japanese light novels as well.)

So, how about that? Should we get on with it?

Drops of God features a struggle for inheritance between a daughter and her father's best student. The whole wealth of the man, I forgot his name but let's just call him by his surname Ledger, circles around his obvious interest, borderline obsession, with wine. White or red, it doesn't matter as long as it's wine. He stapled his career because of it and it ended him with a vast collection of rare bottles of wine, some of which are out of stock already and can not be found anywhere else in the world. This collection is the largest in the world, not according to number, but again the rarity and the money equivalent to that. So, yes. this whole collection is what their fighting for as an inheritance. 

Now the conflict lies with our main character's childhood, Camille Ledger. You see, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. As I said, her father has a borderline obsession with wine. That, unfortunately, was pushed into innocent little Camille at the height of her childhood. Let's just say... she was his first student in this whole guessing the wine through taste, smell, and color. (Elite stuff that I don't want to dig that much into because personally, I am not that interested in wine and I have not drunk alcohol yet in my life, for personal reasons and self-choices.) I say student, but I have always felt like this was more like being the guinea pig.  

Here comes our other character, Issei Tomine, a Japanese guy who ended up being Ledger's best student. Basically, he's like Camille 2.0, without the childhood trauma from the said man. (But that doesn't mean he doesn't have any trauma somewhere else. It's all about trauma ladies and gentlemen!) I'm just gonna make you wonder if he's a bad guy or not for wanting a piece of that inheritance for himself. A little background though, he's supposed to be the heir to this big Japanese corporation. 

So now, let me tell you why I liked this series. 

First off, the number of various languages used in the duration of the whole series. Camille is French, which ticks that box out. Then, Issei is Japanese. another box ticked. But we also got Italian side characters! And to tie that all up the English made all of these different races understand each other given the mixture of cultures, making it a common ground. But the most exciting thing about this is how that relates to me as a person who's learning new languages apart from my own. 

French is the first foreign language that I have ever considered wanting to learn as a kid, although I have sort of given up taking it on as time passed because of how complicated I now realize it to be. It just sounded really elegant to the six-year-old Blue. Japanese on the other hand is the language that I started learning at the start of high school and now one that I'm proud to say I can use at a conversational level. Italian then is a new interest that I've got after watching one teen drama set in Italy. To conclude is the English that I'm glad to use to be able to connect with my international friends and well, nice people around the world. 

Second, I love Camille's rebelling phase which goes beyond as the literal parent in question is dead. Finding your own way after being led alone by your idolized parent your whole life is a lot of work, emotionally especially. And though the whole focus is on the inheritance, it ultimately boils down to this, Camille not letting her father control her life and breaking free from that childhood trauma. Because even though it's extremely upsetting that a dead person can have this much hold on you, that's not far off reality. That happens in real life. So being able to conquer that and me being in the front seat to see was an experience. 

Third, I love Issei's character. I want to dwell on this deeper, but I also don't want to ruin it by dropping a bomb. But ultimately, he's a guy who knows what he wants. Throughout the story, his will never truly wavered. Sure, it swayed a bit but knew what he wanted and what he didn't want, and not having the privilege doesn't change that. Also, he doesn't want it to be given to him the easy way either. He works for it and he wants it to be something he deserved by his own hands, I wish I had the same strength of will as him. Currently working on that. (A little tidbit on why I liked Issei as well is his actor, I knew him from a previous Japanese movie which was a contrast from this one because that was a romance movie. Not gonna jump onto that one though, sorry.)

[ps. I have just found out while writing this update as I search the net for pictures that this is actually an adaptation of a manga??! Guess you know where I'm going next. ]

BLUE'S CORNER:

    Now you're here. Thanks for reaching my usual corner. 

    The whole series overall talks about how parents can be too much controlling of their children's future. I usually see that in Asian culture media, but of course it's not just in that certain population. 

    While I can say that I'm lucky enough for my parents to support me in my art and my writing and all of that, I just remembered this one time where I kind of felt such as well, however never to the same degree. 

    I was a science-oriented student in high school. With that, I was geared up in both academics and mindset that I would pursue something science related, ultimately being into the medical field. I looked away from my art-related passions as a mere hobby because it just sounded ridiculous at that time. Yeah wow, insulting the industry that I admire. That was me being blind and the one who is ridiculous because hey past self, look where I am now. I am learning something that might have me in the filmmaking industry! 

    Okay, so yes, let's back up a bit from that and mention that said science-related career visions may or may not be because my parents told me to. But now, I am being supported by my passions and my current goals. Relating that to my parents in a way that the series portrays makes me see how your parents' own life experiences might affect you as a kid. You see, my dad is both an artist and once a trying poet/writer. His art commissions helped us with our finances when I was a kid and even now. I remember watching him make his pieces and being amazed by the process. I even played with his used-up art materials on the side while he worked. With that, my family knows how art can be beneficial. It's hypocrite to degrade art when it has once fed us and helped us through. 

    So yes, I can see now how I'm lucky with that aspect. I'm not bragging, I'm just realizing that and seeing the contrast for other people. I wish I could just hug them because no one should be forced to be something that they don't want to be. 

    Parenting, everyone. That shapes a whole living person. As a parent you're not just building a character, you are raising a person with a whole identity of their own. As a parent, it's not your job to just shape them into this mold you have for yourself, it's letting them find out what they can be out of all these amazing options!

    And yes, just because they are parents doesn't mean they're always right. But unfortunately, that's what a child sees, that their parents are always right. I even remember as a kid that everything I wanted to be and has was all reflected in what my mom is and has. So in that perspective, the adults hold responsibility. They should own up to that responsibility. 

DROPS OF GOD

                                                              PERSONAL                                                                                

                                                        CONNECTION                                                                                   

                                                                   RATING:          7.5/10

Hopefully, I made sense. Sometimes, and I mean all the time, I worry that my words might offend someone just because I worded them poorly with the thoughts pouring like a waterfall out of my head. If you made your way to understand my thoughts, thanks. You're a really nice person ^^

--- art at the start made by me, movie poster credit goes to its creators. have a nice day!

[BLUE's corner]: what even are words? #1

 

This blog has been silent as far as blogs should go. Honestly, I have no idea how to keep it alive. 

I have previously stated the role of the books I am reading and have read for the purpose of this blog. But, I'm in a bit of a pickle because my reading progress hasn't been phenomenal as of late. Also, none of the books I'm reading are particularly striking a chord.

Nothing will change though. My reading list would continue to be the major content of my posts. 

But, I did promise to set aside some space for the more non-specific book-related stories of my life. 

Besides, why should the name of the blog even be about blue being blue when she can't post about random stuff that doesn't actually matter most of the time? And let me tell you a secret about her. She's chaotic as heck!

I have already told you about the tale of how I came to love reading. You can read it again if you like just so you wouldn't be out of the loop. It's a bit of an interesting story for me and I like to make it a fun fact about myself that I often, unfortunately, can't bring up unless the conversation allows it. Now I finally can. 

But now, I wanna talk about what I read. Before I dwell on the genres and whatnot, let me start with language--the very words that make up the pages of the book that I can and would like to understand in the future. 

#1 ENGLISH

If you know me, you're probably asking why I start with this and not my own language, which I would like to reveal at a later opportunity (I like suspense that way). There are several reasons for that. 

No. 1, most of you probably and most likely use English often. That's probably why you're reading this because it's written in English.

No. 2, I have just realized how dominant it is in all the media that I consume and produce.  I both feel slightly ashamed and proud about that fact. Slightly ashamed because I, as a citizen of my country, don't read that many books or watch that many movies that are using my national language (more on that soon). Proud on the other hand that I am fluent enough to express myself in a language that dominates the world, which means a lot of people will get the chance to hear me, and I would get more chances in learning the stories of other people. And if you know me, you know that I am head over heels for the tales of everything imaginable, seen, and created.

No. 3, I am in love with this language. Something about it makes me want to write and write and read and read and read. Don't get me wrong, I love other languages too. I can't really say that it's my number one, but it's honestly one of the firsts. Being one of the firsts, it sticks to you. I love its quirkiness, its unpredictability, and its hidden elegance that as a writer, I love to wield. 

Guess that's all the reason... 

Oh, I forgot the last one! 

With this language, I can ramble. I can type on endlessly without stopping and that helps when I want to pour out something that is bothering my head or something that excites it to no end. No breaks. No stops. Pure word vomit. (getting bored by the evident rambling by now?)

So yes, English played a part in the making of me now. It made me more social too. 

I was never really fluent in the language, not until this one specific class back when I was in grade 8. I was fourteen years old then. 

You guessed it! English class. 

We were asked to only speak English for the entire class hour. I wasn't confident enough about that! But I did--became confident! My seatmates were fluent enough to engage me in a conversation without making everything seem awkward and by the end of the year, there you have it! I am an entirely different person(kinda--not much).

My favorite teachers were also mostly English teachers. They're the very people who commended my love of reading and the ones who acknowledged my skill in writing. One specific teacher even left me with her words engraved in my head because of how they resonated with me. Her words were kind of like this: "Literature is life. It is about life." I would add in my head that it also gives life, and that has been so significant to me. 

And there you have it, a ramble in a jumble by Blue. 

Would you read again something as chaotic and random as this?

Imaginary Friend

 

"To keep power you give it away. It doesn’t take violence to kill evil. It takes good."

—— Christopher, Imaginary Friend

[ some trigger warnings: abuse, gore, horror, trauma (loads of it), sexual harassment, violence ]

Where do I even start? This book has been quite a roller coaster that I wanted to start talking about it right after I finished it. But then I didn't because there are just so many things to unpack that I don't even know where to begin. I firmly believe that whatever I'm going to write in this post would not do justice to the real things that happened in the novel and perhaps what comes after it. 

So, let's start?

At first glance, I thought this was a story about a misunderstood child prodigy with some kind of mental struggle. I was pretty much ready for the trauma because I was sure there's gotta be with the way the main character is portrayed. He has difficulties. He's not your ordinary kid, or as the narration tries to paint it. However, what I did not know was how scary this would all turn out to be. The main character is only eight years old, but there is in no way this book with be a suitable read for anyone in that age bracket. I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's childhood with all the revelations in this. 

First off, we have Christopher. He's a pure and innocent boy that would make you think like there is a bright future ahead of him even though he has certain struggles. And you and I would be right about that. However, that would happen in a way that we wouldn't have thought of. Unless you have read the blurb before diving in headfirst (in which case I didn't and just went on blind and clueless), you would never think that the genre would be what it is. 

This is a horror and paranormal novel. This is not a general fiction story... I don't know if I should be glad or annoyed that I did not force myself to have a heads-up about this. I wasn't at all prepared and this nearly shook the freak out of me. But then I kinda also like psychological horror stuff so nothing was lost and I wasn't disappointed in the least. I was genuinely, genuinely so into it.

So, going back to Christopher. 

He's a good kid with a possible case of dyslexia and PTSD. The dyslexia wasn't clearly diagnosed because his mother kinda wanted a break from all the mental illness cases that left her whole family in shambles, but the PTSD was for sure acknowledged and was even treated for a while in a time frame that happened before the main story. 

Slowly and surely, all the problems and conflicts within each character are revealed as this sort of witch entity is introduced through the things Christopher hears and sees. You would initially think of this as some sort of hallucination. I did. But as the story progresses, you'd begin to doubt that though (as you should). 

Christopher is not crazy. He never was. Maybe the townsfolk had a few screws loose, and who wouldn't have given their circumstances. But Christopher was in no way crazy. He wishes he was, but he wasn't and that's what he thinks is the problem. Because if he wasn't crazy, then all those bad things that are happening to the people around him are true. How his mother is suffering because of him. How the sheriff is having nightmares and blaming himself for the death of a girl wasn't entirely his fault. How the librarian has a problem with her marriage. His teacher being a drunkard and is basically wasted every time she teaches in class. How his bullies are basically victims of abuse, the boy being left in the freezing cold inside the dog house every time he does something that his mother doesn't like, and how the girl is being molested by her stepbrother every time their alone in the house. Which is almost always (I forgot the names of his bullies). 

Basically, all the people in town have a problem. These problems are driving them insane, and this sort of entity is making everything worse. Or so the nice guy, the imaginary friend of the story wants Christopher to believe. It's not at all far-fetched. After all, the witch looks evil. She acts evil too. She was portrayed exactly like a monster would be portrayed in children's story books. 

But then we know as adults, or as I'm trying to be (an adult, I mean) that the monsters we knew as a kid are different in the real world. They don't have horns. They don't look evil at all actually. Sometimes they're not even really there. Sometimes they are just there in our heads, whispering, telling us things we probably don't want to hear. 

Wow, I've only just realized that while typing this. Sometimes, you get to piece together important stuff when you look it through a bigger picture, or when you finally review and go over them once again like what I'm doing right now. 

And I'm once again getting off track. Sorry about that. Let's go back then. 

So basically, I may or may have not dropped a major plot twist spoiler right there. For those who have already read this, you probably know what I mean. For those who don't, I pray for your sanity in the course of reading this book. I hope you get to understand Christopher and the people in his new hometown. Also, I hope you get to be like Christopher and be kind. 

He is kind after all, and that's what made him strong. Because of that, he's the hero. Anyone could've been the one to save them all, but it was Christopher who stood up to and for everyone. 

The novel did mention some allegories pertaining to Christ, God, Eve, and the demon, but I don't really want to focus on that. As I've said before, I'm not that much of a religious person (anymore). Not everything is about religion or your theist and atheist beliefs. What I want to focus on is Christopher being a kid, a pure and innocent kid that only wants the good for everyone. Sure, he's selfish sometimes,  but that selfishness doesn't harm anyone. It's not greedy in the sense that he only thinks about himself. It's greedy in the sense that he just wants happiness and to get that, everyone around him should be happy too because they deserve to be. 

We all have that choice and potential. We just sometimes forgot we can and that we even had the choice to begin with, 

Being kind goes along way. 

BLUE'S CORNER:

                Why I wonder, do some of my moments just have to align in a coincidence? it's not that I hate it. Most of the time I actually like it because they are and were mostly good coincidences, like SERENDEPITY. But I just really want to know. why? and how even does it happen?

        It's been long since I read this book. actually, I finished it last November of 2022. It's now January 2023. The new year has come. A lot of things have happened in between of that too. I just didn't have the motivation to start writing about this. Maybe it's because of how busy I've been, or because the story is too heavy for me to think about so I had to take a breather. Or! Maybe I'm just lazy. (That's mostly the case with me...)

        January 06, 2023, 2:06 am. Just wanna put that out so I can remember when I wrote this very part of the post. It's just that this is somehow the best time for me to reflect on the story and where I stand in the middle of that. 

        The voices are hard to beat. they also come when you most don't want them to. I don't want them at all. But I wish they could've at least come when I'm asleep so it'll all be just a nightmare I wake up from. Not a nightmare I'm actually living. That's highly unlikely, of course, and so we endure being awake during all of their unnecessary chatter. 

        We all have that voice. not just me. My head kinda reminds me all the time that by the end of everything, I began to realize that that very thing has become one of the voices that put me down instead of actually making me move. We all have that voice so I should be more understanding, that should've been the whole message. But instead, my brain has warped it into something different. Everyone has a voice inside their heads so don't bother adding up to their problems. Your problems are not as serious as theirs so it's nothing. my brain is super mean just so everyone knows. (Bet you didn't want to. Sorry for the excessive information.)

        It has even come to a point that I'm currently worrying if I should say these things right now. Am I allowed to? is this even okay? am I being what I fear I'm being again? If I am, sorry for the trouble. If I'm not, sorry for being so negative. You should also be warned about that because I might be spreading the negative virus. We don't want that to happen. I extremely don't want that to happen. 

        So, like everyone in Christopher's story, we all have our own problems. Those problems ate at us. They devour us. Now, it's either we are too deep that we need someone to save us, or we just need to realize that we fell so we can stand up again. I, on the other hand, don't know where I actually should be in that spectrum. I feel like I can get up on my own, while there's also a part of me that seems to be waiting for someone. 

        I never thought that I would relate to this story as much as I thought. I thought I would just view it through the bigger picture and in a general sense. however, I see now that I have actually put myself within the pages before I knew it. I am, after all, human just like the characters in the story are. 

        I also honestly relate to Christopher in a way. I'm not saying I see myself as a hero. There's no way I can be that person who saves the day. I am just a bystander. However, I am an empath. having these emotions of people around me be infused in my being is too heavy for me to handle. I read too much into it too, so much that I feel like I haven't been doing enough as someone who is close to them or as someone who cares for them. The way their emotions feel like my own leaves me stuck because i know these emotions aren't mine and if I make it seem like I know how they feel, it'll all be wrong. 

        and so I try. we all are. what I hope is we don't stop.

      

IMAGINARY FRIEND

by Stephen Chbosky 

                                                 PERSONAL 

                                            CONNECTION 

                                                       RATING:             8.5/10

ps. i realized whule i edited this post that i used (i) too much. it must've been annoying to read. it's not even about the book anymore. it has all been about me. i'm sorry. i just needed an outlet to say these things and the story was just the perfect thing for everything. please read it. you'll know what i mean. also! thank you so much for reading this far. i would never expect anyone to read the end, but if you have, thank you! i'll write a different fan writing that would now focus on either of the characters in the story to make up for my endless rambling here. until then, see you!

Dear Charlie,

 

note: you can read my earlier post/review of the book before you proceed for more context.                                                           

Dear Charlie,

    Hi. I don't really know how to properly start letters but I guess that's a normal one. I hope you wouldn't mind. I'm not exactly one to come up with something fancy, I'm just average, or at least that's what I tend to believe. I don't really know what others think about me. I want to ask but I'm not that good at asking questions aside from the ones I ask myself.

    I had read your letters. I'm glad you sent them to me. But I'm even more glad that I decided to read them. I hope I read them sooner. I hope I read your stories a little sooner, Maybe it would've helped me. But I know this isn't exactly about me. It's about you and your honest stories. I would like to talk about those first before I talk about myself. I would like to talk about them because they are far too interesting to be left out. 

Just like you liked telling stories about what others have told you, I think your own stories deserved to be passed along to others as well. Your own stories and the stories of your brother, your sister, and your whole family, Patrick, Sam, and all the other friends you made through them; all of that deserves to be heard and read by other people.

And if I would start this letter all over again, I'd say:

Hi Charlie. My name is Blue. I'm not sure how you've heard about me, but I'm glad you did.

Hi Charlie. It's me. Your friend. There are a lot us. I am one of them. We have read your letters. I had read them. And I want to talk about them.

Most of them have been muddled and squeezed in my head like this solid ball of words that represent you. A ball I would like to call Charlie, specifically named after you. I remember bits of them. Some are my favorites... Others not so much. To be honest, I hated how those things happened. But things happen. We can't change them. I still hate them tho.

It was funny how you got high for the first time at the party. It was funny until it was sad. 

It was cute when you talked about how you loved Sam. It was cute until it was Sad.

It was also cute when you let Patrick kiss you. It was until it was sad. 

It was heartfelt when you talked about your Aunt Helen or visit her in the cemetery. It was beautiful until it was sad. Until it was ugly and messed up and sad.

I realized that a lot of your letters were sad, even if you don't them. I realized how you cried a lot, and even though you don't know why, I say please just cry. I know and I can feel it. Charlie, you're lonely and sad. Sometimes you know it. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you think it's just normal. But no Charlie, it's not.

Some things aren't meant to happen, but they do. And yes Charlie, that's sad. And no Charlie, that's not what you deserve at all. You are not to blame.

You are far too sweet to get hurt. You are far too selfless to take advantage of. You are far too pure to soil. You are far more special to just be seen as the weird kid, the teacher's pet, or the odd one out in a group.

Bill was right. You are special.

You deserve the love that you had with your family. You deserve the acceptance you have from your friends. You deserve all of that and more.

I'm glad you're doing alright. I hope I could tell you the same about me, but I'm not sure.

I think it would be too selfish of me to write down all my wishes, but since I won't be able to honestly tell you my own stories (I'm sorry about that), I'll just let you know what I would have wanted.

I wish I had older brothers or sisters. I wish they could tell me what to expect about my love life, high school, and college. I wish they could be there when I have it rough. I wish they could drive me places and I wish I could drive myself to places.

I wish I shared secrets with at least one of my parents. I wish to have that secret that would mean something between us, a treasure that only we share.

I wish I had someone like Sam and Patrick. Someone who wouldn't laugh if I tell them something awkward and personal. Someone who's there. Who tells the right jokes in the heaviest moments even when nobody can.

I wish I had someone like Bill. A teacher would make me read books they've suggested and would ask me about my opinion on each of them. I would have a lot of things to say to them and questions to ask them as well.

I wish there was someone who called me special.

I hope all of us have someone who would tell us we're special.

Love,

Your friend

[did you read it as if you were Charlie? or as if you wrote this for Charlie? Let me know ^^]

Perks of being a Wallflower

 

 

"I don't know how much longer I can keep without a friend, I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have french fries with your mom be enough."

-- Charlie, Perks of Being a Wallflower

(some trigger warnings: sexual assault, suicide)

I heard the title of this book for a while when I was in high school. I then added it to my reading list as I always do whenever I come across a book title. I have also watched at least a few minutes into the movie but somehow never finished. I guess it didn't hook me as much as this book did. It moved me so much that I even wrote a letter.

But before that, there's a lot about the book that I like to discuss. I actually want to talk about every chapter, but this would be very long if I do that so I would only mention those I truly remember. 

Now, I'll leave a little warning that would be posted on every book/movie talk that I would post here. It'll just be a little reminder just in case so that you guys wouldn't accuse me of spoilers. (My anxiety wanted me to be scared of the negative possibilities as usual.)

 

Before I ever read the book, I already watched a part of the movie. I was generally intrigued by who the Wallflower is in the story. I most often think of myself as a wallflower than a social butterfly and so I was looking forward to the connection I would have with the supposed main character. I didn't expect that it'll tear me apart though. 

The main difference between the book and the movie is that the scenes are introduced through the eyes and mind of Charlie, our main character, more in the book than in the movie. That's just how books are, especially if the narration is written in the first-person point of view.  But the way this book was written is in a form of a letter, or letters to be exact. That makes it more personal to Charlie and more precious for me to read as an audience. The way the reader could get to be a somewhat unknown character in the book just by Charlie addressing them as a friend in every chapter/letter makes you feel so involved and invested and I just like that about this. You're not just an observer or a diary that keeps secrets but isn't actually alive. As a reader, you are a person that listens and was ultimately chosen by Charlie, just as you chose to be his friend by deciding to start reading it. 

Instantly, the connection that I was looking for was resolved with just the first chapter. But that was just the surface because even though I knew that charlie considered me his friend, I still didn't feel like I really was a true friend or that Charlie was for me with just a few opening letters. I still needed to relate to his story. That was all coming in due time.

I knew from the movie what the opening acts would be. I knew about how Charlie was dubbed weird in school and that he didn't have any friends left. (If you've already read this, we know that he had that one friend but I'd like to get that in detail later.) I also knew about how he would meet Patrick and Sam in that football match that night. I knew about the complications in her sister's relationship and I also know about the mixtape that fueled Charlie to make tapes of his own. I knew all up to the point when Charlie went to a party for the first time and got high, also for the first time. I knew the things that happened at the party and the secrets that Charlie discovered and Charlie blabbed about as he was still under the influence. (I genuinely forgot if they were brownies or cookies that he ate.) 

But apart from that, the following events were new to me. My feelings went on a roller coaster ride as I felt intrigued and interested at first, then I burst out laughing because of Charlie's silliness, and then sad because Charlie, why is this happening to you? Then happy again because this precious treasure is laughing and talking about laughing and how happy he was. Then I'd go back to being sad because Charlie just doesn't get it. And I end up realizing that whatever he didn't get in the story, I also didn't get and noticed within some part of my past. Maybe I still don't know them at all.

Charlie once had a friend. That friend died of suicide. I know. Way to go dropping the bomb straight unto the target.

But honestly having your friend disappear like that, must have taken a lot in Charlie's mental health. Especially if you think about how he was his only friend. I would think in this part of the movie and the book that it was the main reason why he is experiencing PTSD and therapy. Of course, I would be wrong. There's just not enough trauma in these kinds of books, wouldn't you agree? (Being an amateur writer myself, I am guilty of this crime and I think I should apologize to every main character whenever this is brought up.)

I don't remember it being explicitly said in the book, but the movie made it as if Charlie unguardedly confessed that his friend died and that he was still in pain because of it. He was laughing, but you just know that he's still hurting. And all of these confessions among all others were first heard by the caring Sam. 

I consider Sam to either be the older sister or mother type of the group, especially with how she deals with Charlie. Although I guess I was too dense to notice how Sam really feels, this whole gap between their ages and personality made it so real for her not to develop any feelings for Charlie, who although was really sweet and caring as well, had the tendency to be so childlike and less of a boy his age. But of course, that innocence that we are seeing here is actually Charlie's charm. It is his main selling point. It is what genuine people see in him that they would want to protect him, and what abusers would target so they could exploit it.

But Charlie's love for Sam was all too genuine as well as naive. It was heavy to take responsibility because you just know that he's not just saying it as a joke. Sam just knows that that love would be a knife that would stab Charlie in the back and she didn't want to be the one to be the cause of that so she would rather pierce him affront with a rejection. At least that you would notice immediately. But complications in dating are something you wouldn't even know unless someone points them out. 

That ignorance by Charlie showed so much in his entanglement with Mary Elizabeth. He couldn't be honest. He couldn't say what he really wanted and he was so bent into following these rules that somebody else had set up for him. He was merely following through until everything falls apart and he realizes he has done something wrong. But he doesn't know what exactly that is.

It was all coming down to the fact that even though Charlie sounded like someone really smart, honest, and caring, all of those things backfired on him because some of it isn't really true, while some are just a byproduct of his lacking something that he doesn't realize or know to exist. 

Charlie is a kid. Obviously, his real age says a lot about where he is in life. But Charlie is supposed to be a teenager. He should have at least known some things, noticed some cues, and figured the right from wrong. But something was holding him back. 

Charlie was selfless so much to a fault. This was the double-edged sword that Sam noticed and blurted out to him just so he would stop and think more about himself. At that moment, I thought I would cry. But then I couldn't because I was out in the bleachers in our university sports complex and there were a lot of people there. They would notice me cry and I didn't want that. 

So instead, I took a second and looked at the soccer field. Then went back and hoped for the best. 

But the best wasn't waiting for me. The worst was.

When Helen was mentioned in the story I thought it was another plot device to show how much of a loner Charlie was. Aside from his friend dying, well we have another dead loved one in the mix. The accident happened when he was just a kid. That was the very core of it all then, I thought. That loss was what drive Charlie to the wall. Because of that he never grew up. He never had the chance.

But the real reason which was revealed later in the story was what broke me. All the things kept adding up and it tore something in me. It's like my head had these pictures that I wish never happened at all. That maybe everything would have been different.

It was bad enough that he saw a girl get raped when he was barely even recovered from childhood trauma, bad enough that he knew how the female in her family was treated by their partners, and then this thing was brought up. It all made sense that Charlie himself started connecting the lines that were lost in him. Why he was like he was and why he was afraid of so many things; of being honest, of being selfish, of having sex, and being in an actual relationship. 

I'm glad he had therapy. I'm glad he had the help he needed and I would just hope that he had that until the end. I don't doubt it though. The graduation scene was enough for me to confirm. 

But what I really want is for Charlie himself to get out of it. I think he will. His last letter was a good start to it. It was really good actually. 

but now... i don't have any idea where to stop talking. so i'll just leave this little section you'll probably see more often starting now.

Blue's corner:

        

        When I was reading that part about Sam, I mentioned I was on a soccer field. Sitting by the bleachers to be exact. It was morning and we had an event I wasn't interested in. So that was why I was reading. I finished the book right at that spot actually with no one by my side aside from strangers. My classmate was sitting with our other classmates. I don't know why but I couldn't sit along with them. It just didn't feel right.

        Have you realized it too? 

        The coincidence is just coming into me now. I might have actually cried if I realized it then. 

        Charlie was alone when he met Sam and Patrick. It was a football game and he saw them there. They met and Charlie's adventures began. He started to belong somewhere. 

        I was in the bleachers as well. I was trying to watch the games below but couldn't because they felt too far away. No one was there with me at that moment until my classmate called back to find me. I was glad she called out to me.

        For some unexplainable reason, I am always out of other people's line of sight. They would always try to shout my name as they look for me even though I was just close by. They also always wonder how I could remember the little things that have happened or said. Like how a classmate belonged to this group and not the other. How our professor once said he belonged in this department and not this. I have no idea how they get stuck in my head, but they do. 

        But anyway, I just want to say that I connect so much with Charlie that when I reached the last part and he said he was okay and he wishes the reader was too, I stopped. I didn't know what to say. But at the same time, I also had a lot of things to say.

           It was at that moment that I wrote a reply, a letter of my own, for Charlie. I tried my best to tell him everything, but I'm bad at cramming every single thing into a blob that would be understood by others. That's why I'm quite scared of doing so because there's a fear that they wouldn't get it. Or worse, they'd hate me because of something that I said. I don't know about Charlie, but I really don't like the feeling of being hated. Maybe he thinks that way too actually and we'll just bond at the fact that we have been people pleasers all our life. 

        But anyway, yes, I wrote a letter. 

        Don't worry, you'll be able to read it in my next post. 

        Until then, see ya!

  

PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER

by STEPHEN CHBOSKY

                                                 PERSONAL 

                                            CONNECTION 

                                                       RATING:             9.0/10

Ps. I rambled again... I'm sorry about that. If you have reached here, thank you. You have been very patient and you deserve my thanks. That;'s just how it is actually. I made this blog so I can ramble because I do not want to bother anyone with my ramblings. But if you have stayed till here, then that means you chose to and I am not being a bother anymore. It just means you are a really good listener(reader). Thanks again!

Pps. I've just checked to see that Charlie is an INFP. I'm an INFJ. 

--- mock-up book cover used made by yours truly.